I was a child during the 1980s, and I was not allowed to watch horror movies (Revenge of the Ninja and Commando, yes, but not horror movies). That doesn’t mean Freddy Krueger didn’t find his way into my nightmares. The character had become such a pop culture phenomenon that he was everywhere. It didn’t matter if you’d seen the movies or not, everyone knew Freddy. He ushered in a decade of supernatural slasher icons who would define the home video boom.

I was a teenager in the 1990s, and I was starting to watch horror movies. I ate them up, it later becoming a focus of study at university. During this decade a fresh wave of horror movies were about to be unleashed following Scream, a post-modern take on the slasher trends of the 80s. For the first time in a years the cinemas were packed with one great horror movie after another.

Two major modern trends in cinema, both of them pioneered by one man: writer, director and producer Wes Craven. Today we’re paying tribute to Craven who passed away aged 76 on the 30th August, 2015, due to brain cancer.

Surprisingly Craven was born into and raised in a strict Baptist household. This doesn’t seem to have deterred the career that would become his legacy later in life. His studies learned towards writing and psychology, and this insight into the human mind would help his films tap into some primal terrors and prove popular with viewers for decades. After working as a teacher he moved into the film industry working as an editor on pornography (under a variety of false names) before getting the experience needed to launch his own film career. And his first effort was a doozy.

The Last House on the Left remains notorious almost 50 years after it was released. It was made in collaboration with Sean S. Cunningham, who would go on to create the Friday the 13th series. It was cheap, dirty film that pushed the limits of the actors and audiences with unsettling, graphic and disturbingly realistic violence. Upon release it was met with controversy and censorship, which only generated more intrigue. Many critics maintain that it’s a powerful and effective film, marking it as a great debut feature.

Craven continued to develop his style with The Hills Have Eyes and Stranger in the House to moderate success, but it was an article on sleep studies that sparked the inspiration for his biggest blockbuster. A Nightmare of Elm Street was released in 1984, written and directed by Craven, and was an immediate success. Made for less than $2million, it went on to earn more then $25million in the US alone. Robert Englund, as the undead murderer Krueger, became a fan favourite and the character is one of the most famous names in cinema. Co-star Johnny Depp, in his film debut, launched his cinematic career. The series birthed a franchise that would become a merchandising empire, continuing to this day. Critics praised the film for it’s creative blurring of reality and fantasy to create a sense of dread rarely seen at the time. The sequels and TV series’ that followed varied in quality, but the entries Craven got involved in are easily the best. The Dream Warriors was co-written by Craven and is often considered the best in the series, and A New Nightmare twisted the concept by having Krueger escape the film to attack the original film’s actors in the real world.

Not one to sit back and bank on one success, Craven continued to push the genre into new territory with The People Under the Stairs, The Serpent and the Rainbow and Shocker. After every horror producer and studio tried to replicate the success of Nightmare of Elm Street the genre began to see a lot of repetition. Craven, along with Kevin Williamson, turned this on its head in 1996 with Scream. This time around the masked killer is a teen obsessed with horror movies and sets out to bring them to life, forcing his victims to follow the ‘rules’ of the horror movie. This highly acclaimed take on the genre grossed over $100million and Craven would write and direct 3 sequels before the recent TV adaption took over the brand.

Wes Craven’s understanding of the horror industry and human psychology has made him a legend in his field. He wrote the book on slasher movies, and then rewrote it 15 years later. Looking back over his work, the man had a sick mind…and we fully appreciate it.

Best Movie: This is something that will generate lots of debate amongst the fans. The jolting violence of Last House of the Left, the twisted reality of New Nightmare and the cool wit of Scream are worthy contenders but we’re going with A Nightmare on Elm Street. It’s been 3 decades since it creeped into cinemas and it still carries an impact. Robert Englund still draws a crowd at conventions, laughing up the attention, the character is still appearing on our screens and, most important, IT IS STILL SCARY.

Rest in Peace Wes Craven. You cost us plenty of sleep.

1936 – 2015

It’s with great sadness that I learned about Wes Craven’s passing. He was my favorite horror director; a brilliantly creative man who helped to revolutionize the horror genre. In his honor, I will dedicate this Showdown blog to him. I will be comparing arguably his two greatest and most memorable films. However the breakdown turns out, we’re the winners here to be able to have two masterpieces created by the infamous Wes Craven.

Plot:

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) is about a man who kills teenagers in their dreams. We find out that the man, Freddy Kruger, was a child murderer who the parents ganged up on years ago. Now he’s a sadistic burned ghost-like creature who stalks kids in their dreams and kills them with his creepy knife-fingers. Craven’s concept for this film was a combination of the real life night terrors that lead to the death of a few Cambodian genocide survivors as well as a homeless man who creeped him out as a kid. The end result is the most original slasher killer until then; instead of teens being stalked by a silent zombie, they have to fear going to sleep. Scream (1996) is a slasher film for a newer generation. Ghostface, aka two deranged teenagers, use cell phones and kitchen knives to terrorize Sidney Prescott and the other teens at her High School. There’s nothing bad I can say about Scream’s plot but the sheer originality of Freddy Kruger and A Nightmare on Elm Street, especially in the year it was released, gives it the edge here.

Point: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Characters:

Let’s break this down. Wes Craven was known for creating some of the best final girls of all time. We have Nancy Thompson in ANOES who fights back and kicks Freddy’s ass. Then we have poor Sidney Prescott who survived four films’ worth of psychos with knives and did it with plenty of spunk. There’s no way to choose between these two. As for the villains, this one goes to ANOES. While Stu and Billy made for an excellent pair on screen, Freddy Kruger is truly iconic. As for side characters, this is where Scream pulls ahead. ANOES may have Johnny Depp but Scream has Tatum, Randy, Dewey, and Gail. The cast of that film is so perfect, it’s hard to beat. That makes this category a tie overall.

Point: Tie

Scares:

This is the most subjective category for sure. Everyone is scared of different things. Scream presents us with a creepy sadistic masked man who reminds us that we’re not even safe in our own homes. ANOES gives us Freddy Kruger, the monster who will make us fear even sleeping in our own beds. While watching the films themselves, being scared really comes down to the individual. From what I’ve gathered from the people I know, it’s ANOES that has stuck with more people and made them lay awake at night for a long time after the movie was over.

Point: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Twist:

ANOES has the classic horror twist ending. Just when you think the characters will live happily ever after, it turns out that Freddy is still going to kill them all anyway. Scream’s twist is definitely better; the entire movie had us guessing who the killer would be and it turned out to be two of the main characters. This was a definite shocker to most people and worked so well that it spawned three sequels and many more villains.

Point: Scream

Social Relevance:

ANOES will always be held up as a classic for all horror fans; there is no doubt about that. However, it came out during a time when slashers were big. Scream has the honor of having been fresh and new, revitalizing the slasher genre in the 1990’s. Without it, who knows where the genre would be now?

Point: Scream

Overall Winner: It’s a tie!

When it comes down to it, you can’t objectively pick a better film. They’re both fantastically made by one of the best directors in horror history. Both feature stellar casts, awesome villains, kickass final girls, and quotable moments. They’re very different films so it will end up being subjective as to which the viewer prefers, but I think we can easily say that Wes has left a legacy behind him with A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream.

When I graduated high school eighteen years ago I was already a full-fledged movie fanatic.  I was raised on Luke Skywalker, Peter Venkman, Marty McFly, William Wallace–and my parents of course.  And as you might suspect, the medium of choice for me was VHS.  Laserdisc was a mysterious and aloof maiden…kind of like my love life.

But I digress.

I started my collection of tapes early, using most of my allowance on everything from The Monster Squad to Dumb & Dumber to Predator.  By the time I went to college I must have acquired at least one hundred VHS tapes.  Bulky and cumbersome?  Maybe a little.  But only a true collector of movies can appreciate looking at a bookcase lined with VHS tapes, DVDs, or Blu-rays  and know the satisfaction of an eclectic stash of films.

Now at almost thirty-seven years old, budding college students who just graduated view DVDs as akin to the steam engine and VHS tapes as dinosaurs.  As 4K televisions and telephones continue to develop, even Blu-rays are starting to become obsolete.  Why be limited by a physical copy that you can play at only one location when you can access The Matrix on your phone, computer, tablet, or PS4?   That’s not even taking into account the various other services such as Hulu and Netflix.

Streaming and digital downloads are where it’s at.

Like Abe Simpson shaking his fist at a cloud, I’ve been railing against digital conversion for the last several years.  Somewhere inside of me was a ten-year old boy screaming, “Nooooo!!!  I want my physical copies!!!  You can have my plastic circles of awesomeness when you pry them from my cold dead hand!”  There’s just something reassuring about holding a DVD in your hand, whereas digital downloads and streaming video seem more ephemeral.  But as Aemon Targaryen said on Game of Thrones, “Kill the boy and let the man be born.”

I want to keep my tapes!!!!!

Strangely enough it was actually Game of Thrones that finally convinced me that it was time to switch to digital.  That and my son.

Let me explain.

With few exceptions, I usually hold off a few weeks or more to buy Blu-rays.  Target and Best Buy constantly have deals going on so why not wait a bit?  The Game of Thrones seasons are one of those exceptions.  First day buy all the way.  Typically they come out in late February or early March, a month or so before the next season starts.  But a funny thing happened on the way to the box set this year.  For the first time ever, HBO decided to go against the grain and release Season 5 of Game of Thrones digitally on August 31st–a full six and a half months before the DVD and Blu-ray release.  At that point I said to myself, “That’s it. I’m done.  If I can get a season of my favorite show a half a year early I’m crazy if I don’t take it.”  And from a business perspective it makes perfect sense.  The number of people who stream and download films increases every single year.  Plus in this “I want it yesterday” society, sooner is always better for your potential market.  If HBO’s strategy is successful (and I have no reason to doubt that it will be) look for others like Showtime and Cinemax to follow suit.  Hell this is already being done on VUDU where you can digitally get a movie at least a month before release, sometimes earlier.

The second reason for my conversion, is my ten month old son Quentyn.  As many of  you parents out there reading this article know, the amount of stuff that accumulates in your house after you have a child increases exponentially each passing month–mostly with toys.  No one tells  you that your house will turn into the obstacle course from American Ninja Warrior when you have a child, but it happens.  It made me realize how much clutter bothers me.  Which led to thoughts of how bulky my collection of DVDs has become.  Which led me think how nice it would be to have my movies stored somewhere that didn’t use up any space.  Additionally I realized that my son was going to grow up in a generation of IPADs, smart phones, and instant access to virtually every book, movie, or song imaginable.  Why was I wasting my time on an outmoded technology?  To hang on to some childhood belief that was no longer relevant?  It made no sense.

And just like that the scales of cardboard VHS cases fell from my eyes and the conversion occurred.

Consequently (and to the shock of my wife) I’m selling all of my DVDs and putting the money into a savings account for my son.  (I’m not selling my Blu-rays however, I just can’t quite bring myself to part with those).  My purchase of Blu-rays and DVDs has come to an end.  I feel like David Bowman descending into the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey, the bright colors are passing by as I descend and I’m equally excited and weary at the same time.

My first all digital purchase will happen within the next week and I’m starting it off with a good one–Mad Max: Fury Road.  The lovely chrome of the streaming age beckons and I will scream a variation of the War Boys battle cry as I ride to the gates of Valhalla

“I DOWNLOAD!  I DIE!  I DOWNLOAD AGAIN!”

You can follow me as Darth Gandalf on Twitter @cocook1978

Special shot out to the women on this list. They’re incredible, gorgeous (on another level) and talented (it knows no bounds). They are my favorite actresses (only one missing is Hayley Atwell).

Star Wars is back! That means the return of epic intergalactic space fights, exotic space locales, lightsabers and stormtroopers. All of those returning features are great but, there’s one significant aspect that’s return is the most highly anticipated in my eyes: the Sith. The Sith Lords are some of the most intriguing and deadly villains in cinematic history. With Kylo Ren being, hopefully, the first of many new Sith (Knight of Ren, possibly a new breed of Sith) to come, I’ve compiled a list of actors who could portray new evil Jedi.

1. Dan Stevens

Dan Stevens isn’t your typical actor one would look towards to play the bad guy. Stevens was a popular former mainstay on the PBS drama “Downton Abbey” for 3 seasons. He portrayed a kindly lawyer who sweeps one of the royal family members off of her feet. He exuded politeness, attractiveness and sincerity. He was the epitome of the good ol’ well-mannered Englishman. So why am I campaigning for this guy to portray a devilish and maniacal Sith Lord? There’s one significant performance Stevens, along with the other actors and actresses on this list, showcased that was an indication of his ability to play the villain.
Key Performance: The Guest

Shot out to Dan Stevens, one of my new favorite actors.

In the psychological thriller/slasher horror, The Guest, Stevens play a seemingly well to do ex-soldier who arrives unannounced at the house of his deceased army buddy’s family. He informs them that he promised to look after them after his friend’s untimely death during war. Stevens’s character David, is the classic mysterious but enticing stranger. He integrates himself into the family’s life and is a benefit to everyone.  As you know with these types of films, things turn sour really quick. Behind David’s respectful and modest demeanor, is that of a menacing psychopath. He has a crazy ulterior motive. Stevens does a wonderful job portraying the sinister elements of his character, elements he hides behind a deceiving veil of virtuosity. He skillfully depicts how David can switch from good-mannered soldier to creepy and lethal human weapon. What Stevens does with this role is amazing.

HITCHCOCKIAN HOMAGE MIXED WITH AN 80s VIBE

Imagine a Sith Lord who can integrate himself into the rebellion; seduce the enemy with his charms. A Sith whose ability to alter his emotions and demeanor on a dime is deadly. Most Sith are just evil in their approach and lack imagination in their threats and schemes. I think Stevens as a Sith Lord, channeling his Guest role, could add a more personal touch in terms of the evil Jedi’s approach to dismantling his enemies.
2. Lea Seydoux

An actress who is a personal favorite of mine, Lea Seydoux is a rising star. She blew audiences away with her ground breaking performance in Blue is the Warmest Colour. I can’t think of one female Sith Lord. If female Sith do appear down the line, the actresses portraying them need to be able to bring something new to the table that differs from the male Sith. Lea Seydoux is a sensual actress whose notable roles have included characters with a deep sexual resonance. That’s something fresh; as aforementioned, I’m looking for the new Sith to be a slight deviation from the ones of old. A Sith with sex appeal creates new opportunities. But, I don’t mean to turn my girl Seydoux into simply the cliché sexy female villain. Seydoux has proven she can be as deadly and sympathetic as she is sensual.

Key Performance(s): Blue is the Warmest Colour & Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

CINEMATIC CLASSIC

Seydoux is so convincing in her role in Blue. There was something about the subtle minutiae. Seydoux’s quirks and characteristics she poured into the character made you believe that you weren’t watching a character, but a real person. When she was happy, you were happy. When she was unhappy, you were unhappy with her. She played a flawed and complex character whose emotions defined them. Sith and emotions go hand in hand. Her performance is so commanding and compassionate that it’s transcendent. Her ability to become someone else is a welcome attribute for joining the Star Wars universe.

Seydoux’s capacity to incite sympathy is strong. Her liquid and soulful eyes grab you as a viewer. Those eyes in the hands of a Sith Lord will grasp you and never let go. But not only can she provoke empathy, but also fear. Her role in Ghost Protocol, as short as it was, conveyed fear and menace. Her assassin in MI4, was cold, devious and efficient. She was as ominous and forbidding as any male villain. That dubiousness and cold calculation from MI4, would be a superb trait in a Sith Lord. Lea Seydoux: a sensual, deadly and emotive Sith. I’m sure she will be flawless in the upcoming James Bond flick Spectre.

3. Zhang Ziyi

I shouldn’t have to say much about Zhang Ziyi. I’m serious, her filmography speaks for itself. The physicality and grace she brings to her roles is almost unmatched.

Key Performance(s): Crouching Tiger, The Grandmaster, Hidden Dragon, House of Flying Daggers, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha

A MASTERPIECE

NUFF SAID

4. Sebastian Stan

You want your Sith to be strong. You want them to be physically imposing. You want them to be tragic, lost and angry. Meet Sebastian Stan.

Key Performance: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

ONE OF THE BEST COMIC BOOK FILMS EVER

If you know Marvel, you know Sebastian Stan. As Bucky Barnes aka The Winter Soldier, Stan has cultivated a menacing, brutal, intriguing and sympathetic character. The Winter Soldier, as portrayed by Stan, is literally a Sith Lord without the lightsaber and Force sensitivity. He’s a hired gun with impressive lethal skills who menaces in the name of an evil organization. Like some Sith he is sad and lost. What makes him different is that he often questions his purpose and that he is brainwashed. The sheer physicallity Stan gives the Winter Soldier is astounding. I’m all for a divergence from common Sith attributes, but I do respect the classic traits and still would like to see them present in the new saga.
5. Jessica Chastain

Another actress who is one of my favorites in Hollywood, Chastain is one of the most underrated actors today. She is an Oscar nominated actress whose given countless great performances in films such as The Help, Lawless, Interstellar and Mama. She’s a chameleon of an actress, in my opinion.

Key Performance(s): A Most Violent Year and Zero Dark Thirty

Gripping War Classic

ONE OF THE BEST CRIME DRAMAS IN THE LAST DECADE

In both of these films, Chastain is deeply unwavering and formidable. In A Most Violent Year, Chastain is not a woman to be trifled with. She stands her ground and won’t be moved like the unstoppable force. In Dark Thirty, she has a firm resolve to see the mission get done. It’s as if her characters in both films aren’t capable of failure. Their determination is almost incomprehensible; it’s extremely potent. A great quality in a Sith; a dark Jedi with the determination of an unrelenting hunter. Couple relentless purpose with evil intentions and you’ve got a deadly maniacal Jedi.

6. Eva Green

A sultry, seductive, and sensually intimidating woman, Eva Green is known as Hollywood’s top femme fatale. Casino Royale, 300: Rise of An Empire, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; just a few notable films that Green has left her notable mark on.

Key Performance: Penny Dreadful

UNDERRATED SERIES

Vanessa Ives, of Penny Dreadful, is an authoritative, strange and enticing woman. Green gives her a demonic type of sultriness that’s scary but attractive. The sexiness comes easy for Green’s character. However, it’s the tendency to act fiendish that makes the character so interesting. Sith Lords have always been scary but never akin to how a villain in a horror film is terrifying. Green could instill a horror ambiance in her Jedi Lord.  Maybe her Sith Lord is obsessed with the mysticism of the Dark Side; she’s teetering on fanaticism. How fun and frightening would that be?

7. Chiwetel Ejiofor
THIS

SCI FI CLASSIC

NUFF SAID 

HONORABLE MENTION:
CHARLIZE THERON

One of my favorite film characters —EVER!!!

Thanks for the read!!! Always open to critique!

LET IT MARINATE!!!

Directed by: Oliver Assayas

Starring: Juliette Binoche and Kristen Stewart

Plot: An aging actress is offered a part in the restaging of the play that made her famous.

Review:

In this partially meta story, Juliette Bincohe plays verteran actress, Maria Enders. Enders got her big break in a play in the role of a young femme fatale who seduced her older female boss. That story is now being restaged, and everyone involved seems to think it would be a great idea if she came back but in the part of the older female boss. This begins an emotional identity crisis that swells over the course of the movie. Certainly timely, as the pool of roles for women of a certain age have been the subject of much controversy, but facing our own mortality and possible obsolescence are universal concerns we can all sympathize with.

Enders tentatively agrees and shacks up at the playwright’s house in the mountains of Sils Maria. Here, she re-educates herself on the script, this time focusing on the other point of view character, running lines with her personal assistant, Valentine, played by Kristen Stewart. They have really amazing chemistry that bounces between maternal and sororal. Binoche plays Enders as if she is barely holding it together, a performance of emotional depth that we have come to expect from her, while Stewart’s Val has to make sure that the wheels don’t go completely off the rails. Stewart really shines and continues to choose her roles and stretch her abilities in the wake of The Twilight Saga.

The two of them eventually wade into sensitive subjects as their relationship starts mirroring that of the characters in the play. While running their lines, each scene starts with a rigidity you often see when actors pretend to be acting and ends with a sincere outpouring of emotions. It is sometimes hard to tell if they are still running lines or if they are venting true feelings.

The weakest part of the movie is its attempt to knock back against the more “Hollywood” corner of filmmaking. Cast opposite Enders in the play is a new young starlet named Jo-Ann Ellis, played by Chloe Moretz Grace. She is hard partying celebutant smeared all over the tabloids when not starring in shallow, big-budget young adult movies. Ellis’ subplot looks more like a broad satire, and an overreaction at that, rather than a nuanced meditation on industry standards like the rest of the movie. Thankfully, it doesn’t scuttle the whole movie and actually offers a tonal respite from the rest of the heavy-handed narrative.

Rating: 9/10

With Terminator: Genisys just passing $435 million in box office receipts worldwide, it’s hard to believe that at sixty-eight, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still a bankable action star, at least globally.  Though the film didn’t perform as well as hoped domestically, it’s likely we will see the soon to be septuagenarian gracing the screens as the T-800 once again.  Whether or not you’re enthusiastic about that prospect…well…that’s a different matter entirely.

There’s few actors I admire more in Hollywood than Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Not so much for his acting ability (in fact not at all) but moreso for where he came from compared to where he ended up.  Here’s a guy who started out with virtually nothing.  Schwarzenegger was born poor dirt poor in a house with no indoor plumbing and didn’t speak a word of English when he came to America.  Yet somehow he became a world-famous bodybuilder, a millionaire in land development by the age of thirty, the biggest action star in the history of film, married a Kennedy, AND became the governor of KALI-FORN-YA.  His life epitomizes the true American Dream.  If you haven’t read his autobiography Total Recall, I highly recommend it.

But I’m fanboying out here.  Let me reign it back in.

Although most audiences weren’t fans of AH-NULD’s latest iteration of the Terminator, it made me hopeful for the LOOOONGGG talked about Legend of Conan film that’s in the works.  It also made me think, what exactly are Schwarzenegger’s best films?  While it was easy to come up with ten, putting them in a proper order was a bit more difficult.

<Please note that I haven’t seen Maggie yet in which I hear he gives the performance of a lifetime.>

So without further exposition, let’s dive right in.  Or more appropriately, let’s get to the chopper.

10.  The Last Stand (2013)

It’s important to note that of the ten you’ll see on this list, this is the only one from the 21st century.  That’s not to say everything Schwarzenegger has done since 2000 has been bad per se, (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines almost made this list) I just thought this was the only one that really belonged in the top ten.

Schwarzenegger’s first real return to acting after his stint as governor (aside from a few cameos) the story follows ex-LAPD officer Ray Owens, a small town sheriff on the Texas/Mexico border.  As you might imagine, Owens’ work life is pretty quiet as he only has to deal with the occasional idiocy of the local arms collector Lewis Dinkum (Johnny Knoxville).  That is until a an escaped drug dealer heads straight for his town in a supercharged car.

This hard-R film really impressed me.  It was a throwback old school AH-NULD film with plenty of guns, chase scenes, and so-bad-they’re-good one-liners.  Furthermore, the film embraced Arnold’s aging action hero status.  To quote his most recent film, Terminator: Genisys, The Last Stand showed he was “old but not obsolete.”

9.  Twins (1988)

Schwarzenegger’s first real foray into comedy, Twins proved to be a smash success and solidified Schwarzenegger as more than just an action superstar.  The film definitely played to his strengths as his character, Julius Benedict, was an intelligent and naive, muscle-bound Renaissance man looking for his brother Vincent (Danny DeVito).  His lack of social graces made for plenty of hilarious moments, even if the plot was ridiculous and scientifically inaccurate.  This was a risk that could have proved disastrous had it not been for skilled comedic director Ivan Reitman and a strong supporting cast that included Kelly Preston.  While it doesn’t hold up quite so well twenty-seven years later, it still has its moments, even with the pat happy ending.

8.  The Running Man   (1987)

This film combines three of  my favorite things:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stephen King, and science fiction.  Based on the Stephen King novel of the same name,  (writing as Richard Bachman) the film was markedly different from the source material.  Despite that, the film was a cheesy, action packed, 80s fueled awesome fest.  The Running Man is a quintessential Arnold romp, loaded with gratuitous violence (the scene where he kills Buzzsaw is amazing) and classic one-liners (“He had to split”).  And who didn’t love every scene that Richard Dawson was in with Arnold?  Surprisingly, if you look past all the Jesse Ventura spandex, the film is a real social commentary on voyeurism.  With all the “reality” shows you see today, The Running Man was truly ahead of it’s time.

7.  Commando (1985)

Of all of Arnie’s films this one may be the most bombastic and over the top–and for many his best action film.  It’s completely unapologetic in its reckless disregard for human life.  It also elevated Arnold as an action star to almost mythic proportions.  The guy took on the main villain’s villa by himself with enough firepower for an entire army.  He made Arius’ (Dan Hedaya) military goons look more inept than the Stormtroopers from Star Wars.  And let’s not forget Schwarzenegger’s name.  John Matrix.  John Fucking Matrix!  Has there ever been a more ridiculous and bad-ass  name for a hero than that?!  And the one-liners in this film.  Just wow.  I think of all his movies this one has the best.  Check it out:  “I like you Sully.  You’re funny.  That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”  “I lied.”  “Don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired.”  And of course, “Blow off some steam Bennett.”

6.  True Lies (1994)

The film that some argue was the last great Schwarzenegger film, True Lies marked the third and last (at least at present) collaboration with director James Cameron.  In spite of the dubious pairing with actor Tom Arnold, Schwarzenegger was able to pull off a decidedly different turn as spy  Harry Tasker.  Somewhat of a takeoff on Mr. and Mrs. Smith (the original) the film also starred Activia spokesman–er–actress Jamie Lee Curtis.  Schwarzenegger’s often had mixed results when it comes to on-screen romances, but Curtis and Arnold had great chemistry.  And that striptease scene, well, do I really have to say anything? Twenty plus years later True Lies almost feels family friendly, but it’s still entertaining as Hell and rife with action…even if you do have to watch Arnie struggle through the Tango.

5.  Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Some might find it sacrilege for me to list this one so low, but that doesn’t mean I have any less respect for this movie than I do for numbers four through one.  Other than the Terminator, this is the character fans most associate with Schwarzenegger.  I get chills every time he intones the name of  his god “Crom” on-screen.  From the moment we see him raise his head while pushing the Wheel of Pain, to the final shot of him sitting on his throne with a pensive look, Arnie OWNS this role. What nerd hasn’t recited the “Conan what is best in life?!” words out loud when no one is around?  Oh.  Just me?  OK then.  Moving on.  Schwarzenegger made writer Robert E. Howard’s character come to life.  Throw in a maverick director like John Milius, a screenplay by Oliver Stone, and the acting talents of James Earl Jones as the villain Thulsa Doom, and you end up with an epic made in sword and sandal heaven.  As I mentioned earlier I’m thrilled at the prospect of a new Conan film, especially after the decidedly weak Conan the Destroyer and the horrible remake with Jason Mamoa.

4.  Total Recall (1990)

While granted Total Recall has about as much to do with hard science as the Creation Museum, it still remains one of Schwarzenegger’s best roles and my favorite film about Mars.  (At least until next month when The Martian comes out.  Then it may change).  One of the most expensive films ever made at the time of its release, it’s doubtful this film would have even got off the ground if not for Schwarzenegger’s star power and director Paul Verhoeven’s recent success with Robocop.  Nevertheless, film historians and Arnold fans are glad it did, as twenty-five years later it remains one of the greats in his filmography.  Although AH-NULD may not have embodied the Douglas Quaid envisioned by author Philip K. Dick in his short story, We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, it matters not in the slightest.  Quaid’s bone breaking, blood spattering adventure from Earth to Mars hits all the right notes, from the exploding mask at the Mars space station, to his final confrontation with Cohaagen, to Sharon Stone’s hot bod–this film has everything you could want in a testosterone charged action movie.  Add some unforgettable lines like “Consider that a divorce!” and “See you at the party Richter!” and you’ve got a classic Arnie movie.

3.  Predator  (1987)

Damn.  As much as I love the Terminator movies, this may be my favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger film.   I mean check out the testosterone laden cast:  Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Jesse Ventura, Sonny Landham, and of course Arnold as Delta Force Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer.  It’s like one giant two-hour gun show.  It’s such a classic trope too, the hunter becoming the hunted.  Just with aliens in this instance.  This film may contain the best individual Arnold moments of any of his movies.  You’ve got the arm wrestling scene between him and Dillon (Carl Weathers), lifting a jeep by himself, throwing a knife at some dude’s chest and saying “Stick around!”, and of course the final confrontation between the Predator and a muddied up Dutch.  It’s just too bad Arnie couldn’t be in the sequel.  Almost thirty years later “GET TO DA CHOPPPPAAA!!!” is still my jam.

2.  Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

As successful and well received as the original was, I’m not sure a lot of people expected a sequel to The Terminator.  However, that’s just what audiences got when the film exploded onto the big screen on July 3, 1991.  I distinctly remember being twelve years old and BEGGING my Aunt Lori to take me to see it.  I got Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey instead.  Oh well.   Schwarzenegger gets a lot of shit for being a bad actor and while he’ll never be Daniel Day-Lewis, you can’t discount what he did with the character in this film.  Whereas the first film portrayed him as a mindless killing machine, Judgment Day flips the whole paradigm on its head.  With this film, Arnold is actually the protector and humanizes the Terminator while getting him to understand the value of human life.  And I defy you to find a movie with better action sequences, everything from the motorcycle rescue of John Connor (Edward Furlong) to the final battle with the T-1000 (Robert Patrick) at the iron mills.  And Arnold’s demise is as finely shot as it is cathartic.

1.   The Terminator (1984)

Yeah like I was going to pick Jingle All The Way or Junior as number one.  Of course it’s The Terminator!  What else could it possibly be?  Despite a film where he only spoke sixteen lines, this is the role that will forever define Arnold Schwarzenegger.  They might as well build a giant marble endoskeleton for his funeral pillar at this point.  Although it won’t be needed for another fifty-two years when his existing power cell runs out at age 120.  Although an emotionless machine, Arnold nevertheless was able to generate a distinct sense of menace and inherent evil with the Terminator.  He was the true embodiment of remorseless technology.  The Terminator was relentless, much like Schwarzenegger when he sets his mind on a goal.  You’ll rarely find a more chilling scene in cinema than when Arnie takes out the police station and officers where Sarah Connor is being held.  There’s a cold efficiency and calcualtion there that is just harrowing.  The pairing of Cameron and Schwarzenegger was true Kismet and it’s no coincidence that each person’s career trajectory took a decided upswing after this movie.

At sixty-eight I’m not sure how much gas Arnold has left in the tank as an action star.  But if there’s one thing I’ve learned its that the easiest way to motivate Arnold Schwarzenegger is to tell him he can’t do something.  Like or not, he’ll be back.

Oh joy, another retro style indie game with ridiculous difficulty and a quirky sense of humour. That’s not unlike a billion other titles on Steam at the moment. But it’s free on the Playstation Network so I’m going to give it a go. Everything starts of expected. There’s retro style pixel graphics and a catchy theme song with over-the-top attitude. There’s quirky humour oozing out of the opening cut scene. Then we get into the tutorial mode and find out about the games time travelling mechanic.

The characters are part of an elite force who travel through time fixing the things that have gone wrong in history, such as the dinosaurs getting wiped out by an asteroid. To achieve this they have to fight their way through bullet-hell platforming stages and at any time they can rewind time to bring in reenforcement’s. Essentially you can play through any part of the level alongside your previous play through with a different, or even the same, character. 

You only get a short amount of time to clear each stage so utilising this mechanic is essential, and it’s flexible enough for the player to get creative with it. If you’re facing a boss who has such a ridiculous amount of health that you can’t destroy it in the time frame you can attack it, rewind time and attack it alongside yourself and then repeat a dozen times until you’re fighting alongside 12 other versions of yourself. With a huge amount of characters to unlock, each with their own set of weapons and attacks, you can work your way past an obstacle using a combination of different attacks at the same time.

It’s insanely satisfying when you get to the end of a level and you get a replay of the level with all your characters and time looped attempts going at once. Over all it’s a satisfying game that is a bundle more fun than most of the retro-style indie games out there. Worth checking out.

Did you know there’s a new Star Wars movie coming out this year? It’s been hard to miss, especially with the marketing and merchandise blitz that will come with it. Wait, I mean already started. Apparently last week brought us ‘Force Friday’, a branded day that marked the release of all the new merchandise tied in to the upcoming movie. And people went frick’n bananas for it.

There have been reports of people lining up outside Toys ‘R’ Us for hours and hours in readiness for the special midnight opening. Then there are the incredibly angry reports from people who waited in line in the middle of the night in the carpark of a toy shop only to find empty shelves waiting for them as those ahead of them cleared the place out. Some are furious that toy store employees did not physically prevent people from buying multiple items, thus coursing them to miss out.

We’re going to take a moment to look at the people in that image above. There aren’t any children picking out toys in that toy shop. We see adults old enough to have a bald patch just above their Ewok back pack and they’re getting more than a little pushy there. Before you skip down to the comments it should be noted that I’m not condemning any adult who loves their geeky hobby. I’ve got the collectors bug for Batman action figures, Lego minifigs and other things. What I’m calling out are the adults who can’t take a step back and get some perspective. Let’s break it down.

The Merchandise Isn’t Going Anywhere

It can be disappointing not to get the toys on the first day they come out, but there’s been some real anger round the internet on this one blaming other collectors, toy store employees and stockists. You don’t need to panic, the purpose of this industry is to make money and producing more stock is going to facilitate that. I’d be honestly surprised if they weren’t fully restocked by the time this article is published. There’s going to be some assholes trying to gouge the prices by buying up the items and posting them on eBay, but have some patience and it will be back on the shelves.

The People Making the Merchandise Don’t Care if It’s Good

As we already said, the purpose of this merchandise is to make more money. Therefore if something is being bought, then they will make more of it regardless of how shit it is. And he’s the thing about Star Wars fans…they will buy anything. Seriously everyone – this is your fault. They will take the Star Wars logo and stick it on any garbage because the collectors will definitely buy it. That’s why we have Chewbacca Furbies:

Pottery Barn beds:

Duck Tape:

and Mr. Potato Heads.

This is not stuff that anyone, not even the most dedicated Star Wars fan has asked for. And yet the damned Furby (does anyone like those things) are now selling for 3 digit prices.

NOBODY SHOULD PAY THIS MUCH FOR THIS THING.

Action figures and merchandise is very much part of Star Wars franchise, and people want their action figures whether it’s kids wanting to play with them or a collector adding their their display unit. But the stuff they were shovelling out last week…nobody would look at it twice if it wasn’t branded with Star Wars.

How do we get them to stop making this crap? Stop buying it.

You Might Not Like The Force Awakens

 I’m not going bullshit you, the trailer looks fantastic. Even someone as tired of Star Wars as I thinks it looks amazing. But do you know what else looked fantastic? The trailer for The Phantom Menace.

What’s Harry Knowles doing these days? I’m not taking the piss, I’m genuinely curious.

This may sound insane but people were even more hyped for The Phantom Menace than they are for The Force Awakens. Maybe it’s because they hadn’t yet been exposed to terrible prequels, shitty animated movies and broken video games, but people were insane for it. The buying frenzy occurred then as well. And what happened?

Yeah, that became a real collectors item.

The big selling item for the weekend of this US$150.00 bargain (substantially more on eBay now):

That’s pretty cool. But…what is it? Ok, it’s called BB-8 but what do you know about it? He’s featured in at less than a second in the trailers. He might have less screen time than the equally overhyped Darth Maul got in the prequels. Remember how hyped up that guy got? They’re still selling him as a big deal in merchandise in spite of his 5 minutes of screen time and one line of dialogue.

Unfortunately even if the movie blows they’ll be a legion of Star Wars fans who will still buy all the merchandise and defends the movie. People defend Attack of the Clones and that was complete arse. Because of that they’ll be more and more shitty merchandise and straight to DVD knock off movies for years to come until we reach a tipping point where more new viewers are being turned off than drawn in. Some people are already excusing the recent sins due to nostalgia, and that can’t save it forever. When that day comes it won’t be the fault of George Lucas, J.J. Abrams or Disney. Not even Jar Jar Binks. It’ll be the fans who ate up the crappy merchandise instead of demanding good products.

That goes doubly for anyone who bought the fucking Chewbacca Furby.

It’s your fault. Everything is your fault.

Buzz-worthy books of the week

Batman #44

Snyder’s usual art Bat-partner, Greg Capullo, is taking a break this month. Instead, Jock is filling to help Snyder tell the origin story of Mr. Bloom, the newest rogue of Batman (I mean, Bat-Commish) .

Diesel #1

Adventure Time cover artist gets a full on series with this sci-fi/fantasy collage about a girl on an airship adventure.

Faster Than Light #1

Humanity has discovered faster than light travel, so obviously they use it. I’m sure it will go really well.

TV has superhero fever and DC is a big part of that. The DC TV universe is expanding. Arrow has spawned a number of spinoffs and helped usher in a new television universe. Not only are more DC shows coming to the CW, but also other networks. DC properties are a hot commodity right now. The expansion of DC’s television world raises some thoughts. Which characters should get his/her own show? The Question is a character I think everyone should consider.

It is a golden age for comic book television. Superhero TV has become almost a pillar of television in today’s small screen industry. There are even some superhero shows that are the backbone of their network. They are truly the backbone of the network. Arrow and The Flash, CW series, are the most watched shows on the network. iZombie, another CW show, has become a cult hit in its debut season. Fox’s Gotham is a sure favorite as it has garnered much praise from critics and fans. In November, CBS will be premiering Supergirl. Let’s not forget that a Teen Titans show is coming to TNT and a Superman prequel titled Krypton, will be airing on the SYFY network in the near future. All of these shows are DC properties.

This has got me thinking as to what else DC could make into a TV show. I have much respect and love for Marvel TV, but, as of now, DC has a stronger grip on TV as Marvel doesn’t have as many TV shows airing—yet.  That’s not to diminish the quality of Marvel TV as their shows are quite successful and very good.

There are certain properties that just fit better on the small screen. There’s an obvious A-list of heroes and a B-list. You’ve got your top tier heroes in Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman etc. And then there are your second level characters like Green Arrow, Booster Gold, Static Shock, Blue Beetle and, a personal favorite of mine, Question.

For the uninitiated, The Question is a character whose world is occupied with weirdness, mystery and the supernatural. His real name is Vic Sage, and he is a private detective at night and a reporter by day. He dons a mask made from an artificial skin-like substance called Pseudoderm which, coupled with a binary gas, erases all of his facial features.

His media portrayal, outside of comics, has been miniscule at best. He appeared on Justice League Unlimited, for a short time during a brief story arc. He also appeared on a few episodes of Batman: The Brave and the Bold. This character is crying out for a live action debut. Green Arrow was a somewhat unknown character to the public before his CW show. Now he’s almost as noticeable as the world’s finest of Superman and Batman. He went from little known vigilante to renowned TV star.

Green Arrow had the right characteristics and enough potential to become a television hit character. There was faith that the archer could spawn greatness.  The Question ought to have that same faith. Here’s my case for why The Question should have a live action TV series.

A HARD-BOILED VIBE

“I find that the greatest mysteries are in the dark souls of those whose evil ways threaten society.” –The Question

The Question is a character who presents a vastly different vibe from other comic book heroes. His world is more noir and crime novel than superhero comic book. Question is more akin to a case-hardened pulpy detective than a superhero. He’s often portrayed as a reserved and quiet detective who exposes corruption. However, in other media, he’s a crackpot conspiracy theorist who’s viewed as being a little unhinged. This was the case with his portrayal in Justice League Unlimited. Overall, Question is first and foremost a detective. His home is the cruel dark metropolis that’s seething with corruption. He navigates the dark alleyways with a cynical familiarity. He’s not your average hero. His corrupt and dark world is what separates him from other comic book heroes. Yes, I understand that Batman’s world is just like Question’s. But, Batman is often a part of something larger, like the Justice League. He’s protecting the world just as much as he’s protecting Gotham. His interests are just as invested in planetary threats as they are urban dangers. But, the similarities to Batman are a positive. Batman is often celebrated for his dark and gritty stories and atmosphere. Question can gain that same illustriousness as his world is shady and uncompressing as well.

Morals are a strong topic in hard boiled tales. The protagonist is often loose with his/her morals and toes the line between good and evil. It’s the dreariest of circumstances where the hero must determine how their morals will determine the outcome of the situation. It’s compelling. In my opinion, the most interesting comic book characters have shaky morals. It’s what makes the so fascinating. It creates a relevance to the reader and/or audience. Marvel and Netflix’s Daredevil series is a perfect example of this. Matt Murdock fights his thirst for violence. His anger is a facilitator for him to have to lash out and hit something. He’s fighting his own nature. Matt is coming close to becoming a killer. Captain America has killed Iron Man, Thor and Black Widow too. But the Avengers killings are not motivated by murderous intentions. It’s a duty. In some cases its self-defense. The Avengers are like soldiers, aiming to protect the world. Their actions depend on the purpose of those they are protecting. Those they’re protecting most likely have the intention to live. It’s their responsibility to protect life by any means necessary. If they take a life, in battle, it’s viewed as being a necessary evil. It’s a part of war. If a soldier kills an enemy within the boundaries of law then it is not murder. Daredevil, however, looks to kill out of anger most of the time and vengeance. Rage regularly fuels his killing desire more so than the protection of life. Daredevil inhabits a dark world and it weighs on him. This is something Question often wrestles with.The world he inhabits is not only an examination of corruption and violence in a city but also within an individual; the hero. These are the themes that are symbolic of hard boiled and noir stories. He’s a character that embraces older storytelling tropes and that’s refreshing. Question is opening a gate to darker storytelling; something that will contrast greatly to his DC TV counterparts like Supergirl and Flash. Maybe even Green Arrow too as Arrow seems to be heading more towards his comic depiction; a representation full of levity and light humor. Question won’t be making sly jokes as he pummels you in a dark alley.

BLESSED ARE THE WEIRD…

Weird is good. Being weird means being different; Different means being noticeable, interesting and not normal. A deviation from the norm is often something that’s applauded in some aspects. This deviation is an eccentricity that’s the opposite of societal commodities. Being the opposite of what’s accepted often attracts people. Superman is courageous, honest and compassionate. Batman is cynical, brooding and ruthless. Batman is the cool one right? His parallel traits are weird compared to Superman. The Last Son of Krypton would view The Dark Knight as a strange individual. But, weird is good here. Weird makes Batman the more interesting hero. Question is the epitome of weird.

Let’s get something straight: Question is a lot stranger than Gotham’s brooding nighttime protector. As a matter of fact, he’s one of the oddest comic book characters out there. He’s paranoid and conspiracy obsessed. A superhero that’s paranoid seems odd. And that’s good. A vulnerable hero is a more relatable hero.

Question’s unusualness is heavily derived from his paranoia. He’s so creepy; a creepy hero. But, the unusual air that surrounds Question is also rooted in mysticism and the supernatural. Question, as mentioned before, is a detective. In all of his incarnations, that’s the backbone of his character. He’s a reporter looking to expose corruption through vigilantism and deduction. His gumshoe skills include more than just having excellent abilities of investigation.  In some of his portrayals, Question is linked to shamanism and mysticism. His connection to the supernatural aids him in his detective work. The supernatural spirituality of the Question is an intriguing peculiarity that differentiates him from other heroes. The fact that Question embraces the mystical in a somewhat awkward and unbalanced way gives the detective a lonely subtext.

The Question #1-6: “Devil’s in the Details” is a 6 issue run by writer Rick Veitch and aritistTommy Lee Edwards.

This comic does many things well. It presents an interesting contrast between the grandiose splendor of Superman and the grit and grime of Question. There worlds are an enticing dichotomy. The significance of this 6 issue series lies in the representation of the Question. Veitch was the first writer to portray Question as a philosophical mystic. This comic run was notable for its depiction of the Question as a socially inept urban shaman who can “read” and “feel” the city. Question can tap into the energy of the metropolis and move in and out of the visible world. The artwork in these issues is striking and colorful. When Question “feels” the city, the depiction of that is like a painting. The artwork compliments the mystical storyline well. It breathes life into the clever plot.

This “urban shaman” title may seem like a large deviation from the classic character whose personality and world were given a definitive take by Steve Ditko and Dennis O’Neil. And it is. That may upset some Question purists.  Change equals gain. When anything changes, opportunity is gained.  And change is inevitable. Comic writers bring new interpretations of classic characters all the time. Change allows for growth. If a character stays the same, there’s a lack of authenticity or contrast. The Veitch series was the best written Question series since O’Neil. The alterations made have shaped the character into a more unique individual. I believe the Veitch elements should be included. The change to the Question may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it does bring something new and weird to the table. Questions view of the world when he’s depicted as a mystical philosopher is remarkable. The world can be a very incredible place when you’re a bit strange.

YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN YOUNG GRASSHOPPER

The devoted pupil and the tough but gentle master is a common trope in Kung Fu movies. A student submits completely to the teachings of the master. They absorb the master’s philosophies and change for the better. The student makes a broad transformation. The teachings of the master become a guide for the student in life. Vic was trained by DC Comics martial arts master, Richard Dragon. Dragon is a master combatant who has trained characters such as Huntress, Oracle, Lady Shiva and Renee Montoya. He is also a man of philosophy. His practice of Far Eastern philosophy guides his Zen like way of life. He imparts these teachings on Sage.

The Question was not only trained in martial arts but, maybe more importantly, the philosophies of Far East Asia. These teachings made Sage question life and the force behind everything. Simplicity and sincerity were significant in adapting to the “way”. This changed Sage’s entire outlook on life and rid him of his anger. He now approached his crime fighting attempting to understand evil and the forces behind it. This student teacher association is the reason for Question’s methods and ideology.

Many superheroes have a significant mentor who helped shaped them into who they are. Daredevil has Stick. Batman has Ra’s Al Ghul. Batman and the various Robins. Scott Lang and Hank Pym. This common comic book relationship adds a familial type of depth to the character. Question is a socially awkward and strange kind of guy, but he does have relationships that mean something to him; Relationships that define him. Question must be humanized.

THE TONE

House of Cards, American Horror Story and True Detective. The atmosphere of a Question series should be a combination of all of these terrific shows’ tones. The political intrigue and corruption of House of Cards fits well with Questions constant opposing of governmental venality. The bizarre paranormal ambiance of American Horror Story parallels Question’s association with the supernatural and the strange. The psychological intensity and the constant questioning of life’s meaning that’s perpetual on True Detective, is reminiscent of Question’s ideology.

A Question series should be a detective serial that’s littered with supernatural, metaphysical and political elements.  A perfect home for this series would be somewhere like HBO, FX or Showtime; a network that’s accustomed to adapting dark content.

OBJECTIVIST SUPER-HERO

Steve Ditko, the creator of The Question, had made the character a believer of Objectivism in his early days. In terms of his personality, Question inclined to see the world in terms of absolutes, like most Objectivists. Since other writers have taken over the paranoid detective, the objectivist Question slowly faded away. But, Questions’ objectivst roots weren’t completely ignored.  In JL Unlimited, the creative team took the added the conspiracy theory angle. This created the slightly crazy persona for Question. Also, they reintroduced some of his Objectivist principles.

The Question tells Luthor: “Everything that exists has a specific nature. Each entity exists as something in particular, and has characteristics that are part of what it is. A is A, and no matter what reality he calls home, Luthor is Luthor.”

Objectivism promotes the visible truths of reality. Reality is an absolute. Facts are the only truths that are important. The facts support that Luthor is evil. And no matter what reality Luthor is in, he can’t fight the facts; he can’t fight his own nature. Questions’ Objectivist beliefs are in full display in JLU. They are meshed well with his conspiracy obsessed attitude.

Question’s unique brand of beliefs is something that unique. Most other superheroes aren’t concerned with the rationality of reality. It’s these distinctive principles that only add to the intrigue of Question. A television show would be a prime area to explore all of this.

CONCLUSION

If DC TV wants to change the game, they need a Question series. Superheroes are sometimes clichés; at least their characteristics are. Question is the antitheses of your average caped protector. He’s an “out there” hero.

“I’m a well known crackpot…”

–The Question

LET IT MARINATE!!!

Directed by: Jon Watts

Starring: Hays Wellford, James Freedson-Jackson, and Kevin Bacon

Plot: Two young boys find an abandoned cop car and go for a joy ride.

Review:

I have always had a soft spot for movies about kids running away and going on an adventure. Goonies. Stand By Me. Monster Squad! Mud was probably the last good one. Here, director Watts puts his two miniature competitive spirits smack dab in the middle of a field talking about where they are going to run away to. It is no time at all before they cross paths with an empty cop car. Their childhood innocence and curiosity is hilarious here. They throw a rock to see if they can get the attention of a cop that might be hiding and then get worried about fingerprints they left on the tiny stone. This sets the tone for this darkly comedic tale of two boys trying to one up themselves with little to no appreciation for the dangers of what they are doing, from trying to see how fast they can get the car to pointing live weapons at each other while wearing Kevlar.

Running parallel to their story is the story of Kevin Bacon’s hapless mustachioed sheriff. It is his car they made off with when he was too busy burying “secrets” to notice. Bacon keys into a truly villainous unlikability and a slapsticky likable sense of humor. It is a confusing mix that might not have worked in a movie that wasn’t experimenting with mixing genres as much as this one. Bacon’s sheriff would have been right at home in a Home Alone movie, except here he has a much sharper edge thanks to the R-rating.

Things go from bad to worse when the boys find some of other secrets in the trunk that Bacon did not get a chance to bury yet. It sets the table for a climax for all the characters to unite, including Camryn Manheim’s concerned citizen character who witnessed the boys’ earlier antics. The dark slapstick revs up here before settling into a ticking time bomb sense of urgency that really got my heart racing. It is here that the movie makes up for any occasional dip in tone and pacing that may have occurred earlier in the film.

This unique combination of genre thrills and chills, acerbic wit, and childlike innocence makes for a stand out film. Watts should have no problem taking over Spider-Man.

Rating: 8/10

Another list of Useless Webpages by APPA THE GYPSY

It occurred to me recently that it has actually been several years since I first gave you all the 20 Most Useless Websites Ever, and it’s occupied a top spot in our most viewed pages list on the House of Geekery for the majority of that time. This, to me, is an indicator that you’re all asking for more, so I decided to pull together 20 More of the Most Useless Websites Ever…

Since the first post, I’ve kept up a list of all the useless websites I’ve come across for this exact purpose, but several of these actually came to my attention from the comments on the original post. So if you’d like to share any more useless pages you find, do let us know in the comments. They’re all absolutely fascinating…

Here we go!

1. Toggle Toggle

http://www.toggletoggle.com/

I love this one. It’s so odd. But apparently it’s a fund raising tactic to help someone to pay their electricity bill… Sounds like a great cause. It’s pretty simple. You can toggle the switch on or off, as you see fit. There’s something super satisfying about it. Give it a go.

2. Instant Inception Button

http://www.myinstants.com/instant/inception-button/

Far from useless, I think this button could make any conversation more dramatic and interesting, if you were to press it during any pauses. It would achieve exactly the same effect as was intended in Inception, I’m sure.

Good to know…

3. Crouton

http://crouton.net/

Simple, elegant, to the point… whatever the point is meant to be. Not a lot going on here, but I’m sure there’s a very good reason for this website’s existence… Perhaps a true love of croutons? Perhaps someone tried to google how to spell crouton and made a website instead? Regardless, to the rest of the world, I can help but think that this website is very, very useless.

4. Nooooooooo Button

http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

Sometimes you get terrible news. Sometimes you don’t know how to react. Luckily, this recording of Darth Vader shouting “Noooooooo” can react for you, with one click of a button.

5. Corgi Orgy

http://corgiorgy.com

The rhyme is great and all, but I do think the name of this one is a little unfortunate… However, do not fear clicking the link. I solemnly swear that the page only contains numerous cartoon corgis dancing to music. Concern over the content aside, beyond being momentarily entertaining, this one most definitely falls into the category of useless.

6. Heeeeeeeeey!

http://heeeeeeeey.com/

Yeah, can’t say there’s a lot going on here on a philosophical level, but for a concept so basic, there’s actually plenty happening here. Well, I say that, but what I mean is that my shoddy Australian internet connection had trouble switching between Heeeeeeey! and Hoooooo! Say what you like, though, I think this page could be put to use when you can’t find the energy to cheer at a sports game for yourself…

7. Bury Me With My Money

http://burymewithmymoney.com/

Yeah, um, I don’t quite know how to explain this one… And it’s kind of creepy if you listen to it too long. I personally feel that this page could be vastly improved by the actual ability to bury these little cartoon characters IN money, at the very least. But, I tell you what, it ticks the useless website box juuuust nicely.

8. Bees Bees Bees

http://beesbeesbees.com/

Ever felt that an episode of Oprah would be greatly augmented by the presence of bees? Well, look no further, because here it is. Suddenly Oprah’s charitable spirit becomes veeeerry questionable… Personally, I just wish there was sound… Everyone looks so very terrified, except Oprah, who, in this context, looks kind of maniacal.

9. Koalas to the Max

http://www.koalastothemax.com/

I don’t want to spoil this one, so all I’ll say is this: set some time aside and watch as hovering your cursor over the dots on the screen begins to reveal the cutest of Australian animals…

10. Falling Falling

http://www.fallingfalling.com/

It just feels like you’ll keep falling forever…

11. Knives in Hands

http://knivesinhands.wordpress.com/

Even the most chipper stock photo can become sinister when you put knives in everyone’s hands…

12. Christmas Tree Light Up

http://www.primarygames.com/holidays/christmas/games/xmastreelightup/

THIS GAME! This game either got me through my final year of high school or stole valuable marks from me, because I played it so much instead of studying! Addictive and challenging, keep trying to beat your high scores by lighting up the Christmas tree. It’s a nasty gaming habit I thought I had kicked, until I decided to include it in this post…

13. Staggering Beauty

http://www.staggeringbeauty.com/

This site requires an epilepsy warning, and is probably best avoided by people with chronic wrist injuries like myself… But I promise you, it is the definition of useless, and yet is somehow captivating. Move your mouse at a high speed to get a sense of what I’m talking about.

14. Passive Aggressive Password Machine

http://www.trypap.com/

This baby is great for testing out a new password before you use it for online banking… Or not. No matter how complex you make your intended password, this website will remain thoroughly unimpressed, and will tell you so in detail with true creativity…

15. Blue Ball Machine

http://www.haneke.net/

You could just watch this machine at work for hours and still not quite see everything there is to see. This website showcases blue dots moving through an intricate factory machine, and it is most captivating to watch. But, of course, completely useless to watch.

16. Cookie Clicker

http://orteil.dashnet.org/cookieclicker/

Click the cookie to get baking and build yourself a cooking manufacturing empire! Does this game have an end? Someone please play it for as long as possible and tell me… I have heard speak of a cheat to keep the game going as when you can’t be around to click the cookie, but I don’t know it myself, so I can’t help you there…

17. Taghua!

http://www.taghua.com/

This is just beautiful to watch… Click the reset button to watch a gorgeous tree grow and flower in different arrangements again and again. Or, if you’d rather not spend hours watching trees grow, um, don’t click the reset button…

18. CAT BOUNCE!

http://cat-bounce.com/

Drag and drop to make these kitties bounce across your screen, and allow yourself to time-waste as you’re mesmerised. Sometimes you can even make them bounce so violently that they disappear off the screen for a moment!

19. The Useless Web

http://www.theuselessweb.com/

Oh, goodness. The Useless Web. Far from useless, this page led me to all the most useless corners of the internet. If you’re ever looking to kill some time, I promise, repeated clicking of that button will fill hours. Each click takes you to a different useless website, and as yet, I haven’t been able to discover if there’s a limit…

20. The Most Useless Site Ever

http://themostuselesssiteever.com/#

Ok, so this one I’ve left til last, because the name says it is the most useless site ever. But I don’t know… Something about it just seems like it might be useful… if not to me or you, then definitely to the advertisers on it… But if you ignore the ads, the links just take round and round in circles. Possible I don’t like it because it doesn’t have that quirk of crouton.net or the fascination of toggletoggle.com, but it doesn’t do a job, so that’s why it’s on the list!

Honourary Mention – Make Everything Ok

http://make-everything-ok.com/

Yes, yes. This was in the first list of useless websites, but it’s just one of the simplest, best things the internet has to offer, so I wanted to share it again. There’s something quite therapeutic about this website. You click the button, and after a short waiting period, everything is ok. It’s great for our inner neurosis.

So that’s it for this list of 20 More of the Most Useless Websites Ever. If you’ve got any more to suggest, let us know in the comments. You can have a look at the original post here if you missed it, or, if videos are more your style, check out 20 of the Most Inexplicable Viral Youtube Videos, and get your daily dose of whyyyyyy, internet, whyyyyyyy?

In Soviet Russia, politics…well, they’re very entertaining! Also confusing for newcomers, not helped by the awkwardly organised instruction book in the most recent version of the game. If your going into this one new make sure you’ve got an experienced player on hand or you grab one of the fan written sets of instructions from the net.

It goes like this. Each player is a shadowy member of Soviet era Russia politicians. Not a member of the political hierarchy but someone who pulls the strings behind the scenes, playing the system to put the politicians in their pocket in a position of power to serve their own needs. The board depicts a pyramid of political positions with the Party Chief at the top and members of the public at the bottom, with positions like the KGB Head and Foreign Minister arranged in layers of power. Once the politician characters are randomly assigned to roles the players secretly record which ones that have ‘influence’ over, and how many influence points they have on a character. This forms the core mechanic for gameplay, and the most intriguing aspect of the game, as the player who controls the party leader at the end of the game wins.

Gameplay goes over 10 rounds, each round split into different stages. During each round the KGB Head can investigate other politicians and send them to Siberia, the Party Chief can rearrange the hierarchy and if the top position is free there’s a vote to fill it. There’s also a process of ageing the characters, with them retiring or potentially dying and removing them from the game. Any votes, investigations, attacks or whatnot get decided by the player who holds the most influence over a given politician. At any time a player can declare their influence over a politician, although if another player declares more influence points than they’ll take control of that role. As you can imagine, picking the right time to reveal an influence, and how much you reveal is integral to the success of the game. It’s not uncommon for the first round or two to go by without anything major happening until the players start revealing their influences but when they do suspicion, betrayal and bargaining become the order of the day.

Being based on a game from the 1980s the flow of the game and unpredictable nature of the layout is pretty polished. Each play through will provide a slightly different experience based on who makes the first move and how closely players hold on to their influence points. For this reason some players might wind up getting on the back foot early in the game and not have the chance to get into a competitive position, which can be frustrating. On the other hand the unique influence mechanic makes the game an intriguing mix of dark humour (as you’d expect when you can use the KGB to bump out the competition) and manipulation. There’s few other games that allow you ally with another player and help control the vote to make their character the party leader only to reveal that you have more secret influence points over them and you take the most powerful position out from under them and ship their other characters off to the gulag so they can’t get revenge. And that’s satisfying.

The new third edition of the game, created through a Kickstarter (and can we get some more 80s games rebooted this way?), features some great artwork and the way the politician cards fit into the spaces on the board is awesome. The original game centred on a group of fictional politicians with wonderfully punny names like Krakenballs and Shootemdedski but this new version has another two sets of characters based on real figures. There’s one set based on historical figures like Stalin and Lenin and one based on modern politicians so yes, you can manipulate Putin. And that is awesome.

We noted earlier that the instructions for the new edition are a bit of a mess, and sadly there’s some other issues. Some games are missing reference cards and dice, although this doesn’t impact on the game, and the board has a misprint covering up some text. It’s sloppy but not a deal breaker.

If you’ve got a good humoured group of players then this is a really fun game. Best not play it with anyone who don’t play well with games involving subterfuge or trickery (you all know one), as being able to claim influence over someone else’s character can make some people spit the dummy or suggest changing the rules, which completely misses the point of the game. If you’ve got an easy going group then this is a lot of fun.

A couple of years ago the BBC produced a show that would revisit a classic character in a modern context to great acclaim: Sherlock. Along with the classic stories and the perfect casting of the leads the show included the concept of Sherlock being a ‘consulting detective’. He doesn’t work for the police, he operates on his own taking on private cases. But he’s such a genius and has such amazing insight into how people think the police reluctantly have to go to him for help. Lestrade of the police and Sherlock form an awkward relationship based on patience and respect. All in all it was a great backbone on which to hang the stories.

Shine on you crazy diamonds.

Over the decades we’ve had more than a couple of shows using the same dynamic. Recently we have Castle on its 6th year, except rather than a detective we have a crime fiction writer working with a homicide detective because he somehow has more insight into the criminal mind than a trained and celebrated professional. To make the show more interesting for viewers they also threw in some sexual tension between the leads because they’re still trying to recapture the Mulder/Scully dynamic.

This is the simple, recyclable formula that TV producers have jumped on faster than a cocaine riddled kangaroo. We also have the fourth year of Bones, with an anthropologist making more sense than a crime fiction author. The Mentalist and Psyche both going with the fake psychic angle. Numbers has a mathematical genius. Hannibal has a psychotic cannibal. Crossing Lines, White Collar, Lie to Me, Elementary, Chuck, Body of Proof…there’s a whole whack of shows trying to put a new spin on this gimmick.

But that’s what’s already out, we want to look to the future. There’s plenty of new shows to bring the original. Like Minority Report, the new show picking up where the Spielberg film left off. It looks to explore the concepts and ethics of future crime in more detail. The format has one of the ‘pre-cogs’ using their ability to see glimpses of the future to help a homicide detective solve crimes…

Oh, wait. That’s the same formula as everything else. There’s even a scene in the pilot episode where the pre-cog sees some bikini photos of the detective apropos of nothing to get that sexual tension a-smouldering. Ah well. There’s bound to be something else worth watching.

Lucifer! A show based on the version of the character created by Neil Gaiman and spun off from his amazing comic series The Sandman. If this carries across Gaiman’s imagination and wit when dealing with fantasy worlds we’ve got a great show on our hands. Tom Ellis is a great bit of casting for the lead role of Lucifer Morningstar, we just need a good story to hang it off.

After establishing Lucifer as being on vacation and running a night club while doing his evil deals with a grin a wink, we have a murder on our hands. So Lucifer uses his unique abilities to help a homicide detective solve crimes while they have sexual tension GODDAMN IT.

They’ve taken the two most promising and unique properties on the books and shoehorned them into the same formula every other show is using. As much as I am interested in both of these shows – especially Lucifer, the pilot was fantastic – this routine is getting very old. The crimes are blurring into each other and are bound to get more ridiculous as the monster of the week crimes try to one-up each other.

Maybe this is why I’ve been looking forward to watching Scream every week, because it’s doing something a bit different. Silly, but at least different. This is what the current trends in television have done to me. Looking forward to Scream. Next up – why I like watching Scream.

Buzz-worthy books of the week

All-New Hawkeye #5

A writer change. A new art direction. A new title. A new numbering. I was kind of depressed when I found out Fraction’s Hawkeye was ending, but Lemire’s take is a fantastic successor. Something that intertwines a working class hero origin with a larger than life sci-fi mission.

BPRD: Hell on Earth # 135

Oh shit! The frozen interdimensional being from the Hellboy movie is on the cover. Its the beginning of the end for Hell on Earth.

Captain America: White #1

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale who teamed up for Spider-Man: Blue, Hulk: Grey, and Daredevil: Yellow are finally getting their next Marvel “colors” book off the ground with Captain America:White reimagining a WWII mission.

Constantine the Hellblazer #4

After the first Constantine reboot didn’t really stick, this one is a much better successor to the original series. Dirtier and grittier and more noirsih and gothic than the last one.

Mixtape #1

A coming of age tale during the days of 90s alternative music.

For a while it seemed as though the biggest problem in the establishing of a DC Cinematic Universe to compete with Marvel was what to do with Green Lantern. The Emerald Ring Slinger was brought to cinematic life with less than stellar results in 2011. Since then there has been debate as to what direction to take or if Hal Jordan should take the lead or if John Stewart has earned the right to star in the picture. Eventually the seemingly right solution was reached by announcing the next installment in the Green Lantern franchise would be about the entire Green Lantern Corps. With an entire universe of Ring Slingers, this would give audiences a space epic like no other, which would demand a cast like no other. So here is my Green Lantern Corps. casting call.

Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion– Say what you will about Ryan Reynolds’ turn as the brash fighter pilot ruining the future of the franchise, but Hal Jordan is synonymous with the Green Lantern mythos and needs to be associated with any GL project that makes it to screen. Since Reynolds is unlikely to put the animated green suit back on, it is time to find a new Jordan. Naturally the perfect replacement would be Serenity star, Nathan Fillion, the actor many felt should have had the role to begin with. Not only does he have action chops, but he has the charm and charisma to get away with Jordan’s cocky behavior. In a film about the entire Corps, Jordan would naturally take on a leadership role and Fillion is best known for playing the captain of a rag-tag group of misfits, so a group of space cops should be easy.

John Stewart: Mekhi Phifer- To say that a sizable chunk of fandom wants to see the former Marine, John Stewart on the big screen is an understatement. Since being reintroduced to fandom a’ la the Justice League animated series, Stewart has been a fan-favorite. Countering Hal Jordan’s brash attitude, Stewart is a straight laced by the book lawman, who is stern and upright. In the Torchwood saga Miracle Day, but Mehki Phifer’s performance was perfect as a straight laced G-Man who mixed it up with extraterrestrial elements. He approached every crisis with confidence and a levelhead needed to solve the problem. If this does not convince you to slap a green ring on his finger I don’t know what will.

Guy Gardner: Sean William Scott-He’s obnoxious, he’s a loudmouth, he’s the most controversial Green Lantern to come from Sector 2814. In order to nail this GL who is nothing short of a jerk, requires an actor who has the charm to play a jerk yet still entertain the audience. In the American Pie franchise, Sean William Scott stole the show in every film by being, crude, self-absorbed, and sleazy. If he can make a character like Stifler into a fan favorite imagine what he can do playing a character with an already established fanbase.

Kyle Rayner: Milo Ventimiglia-The appeal of Kyle Rayner is the fact that unlike Jordan or Stewart or the others, he was never meant to be a Green Lantern. Rayner ended up with a ring out of necessity after Jordan was possessed by the Parallax being, and he has enjoyed a cult following because of it. Because of his youth and inexperience he would be the perfect stand in for the audience in the upcoming Green Lantern Corps. movie. In the TV series, Heroes, Milo Ventimiglia played a man who stumbles upon his super powers and he utilizes them with a very human sensibility. Ventimiglia would be a great balance to the operatic bravado of a Green Lantern flick.

Jessica Cruz: Michelle Rodriguez-The newest Emeral Ring slinger in the pages of DC Comics, is Jessica Cruz. She ended up with an equivalent Lantern ring from Earth 3 following the cataclysmic events of Forever Evil, and is currently struggling to hone her new found abilities. Given that she was created by Geoff Johns, the head honcho of DC’s multi-media presence its a fair bet she will play a role in this upcoming picture. Michelle Rodriguez, is an actress who has no problem throwing down for big action pieces yet is still capable of showing a sense of vulnerability when the time calls for it. She has been pegged for this role by so many other armchair casting directors, who am I to disagree. 

Kilowog: Mickey Rourke- The tragic passing of Michael Clarke Duncan left a hole in the Green Lantern cast in need of filling. Kilowog has long been the experienced tough as nails trainer of the Green Lantern Corps. In a tour de force performance in the Wrestler, character actor Mickey Rourke  perfectly portrayed a grizzled pugnacious man who still retained a warmth and sense of humanity. This character actor has the chops needed to reintroduce this character to cinematic audiences and whip the Poozers into shape.

Salaak: Doug Jones- The Oracle of the Green Lantern Corps. is Salaak a bookish alien who holds the Lanterns together. In order to bring such a bizarre creature to life for the silver screen the use of motion capture will be utilized to achieve what the filmmakers need. With a lanky frame and an incredible understanding how to perform utilizing his physicality, Doug Jones the perfect choice to bring Salaak to the big screen. Watch any of his performances and you will see a man who vanishes into the inhuman characters he plays and gives audiences a performance they never forget.

Sinestro: Mark Strong- One of the things the 2011 Green Lantern film got right was the casting of British actor Mark Strong as the iconic villain, Sinestro. And if it isn’t broke you shouldn’t fix it, as Strong brought the infamous for to life with great charisma as a heroic Lantern. But as anyone familiar with his filmography knows what he excels at as an actor is playing villains, so witnessing the sctor finally embrace Sinestro’s ultimate destiny would be something to behold. Strong made no secret his love of the character, even penning a letter to Geoff Johns on his final issue of the Green Lantern comic.

Star Sapphire: Katie McGrath- The love of Hal Jordan’s life, Carol Ferris, is also one of his greatest enemies, Star Sapphire. Blake Lively’s performance in the 2011 flick left a lot to be desired. Replacing her is easy as we look no further than the stunning British actress Katie McGrath. Anyone who has caught her in the series Merlin know that McGrath can be equal parts caring and dangerous the perfect balance to portray both Carol Ferris and her alter ego.

Saint Walker: Sir John Hurt- When Geoff Johns introduced a spectrum’s worth of Lanterns during his run on the series, one group of Ring Slingers became fan favorites, the Blue Lantern Corps and their leader Saint Walker. Driven by the force of Hope, Saint Walker is a being of devout faith who seeks to save the universe with an indomitable spirit. With a distinctive voice and an understated yet powerful screen presence, the legendary Sir John Hurt is ideal to bring this fan favorite to life. Whether you know him from Alien or Doctor Who their is no denying his distinctive voice and world weary demeanor would make him perfect for this long suffering hero.

Larfleeze: Frank Oz- Throughout film history, there have been characters brought to life through the skill of puppetry that transcended the material they were made of and connected with the audience. Behind each of these puppets is a gifted artists who are able to infuse their puppet with life. One of the most prolific puppeteers of the past 30 years is Frank Oz, a man who gave us; Miss Piggy, Grover, and of course Yoda. Larfleeze as the sole Orange Lantern would blow audiences away if brought to life via puppetry, and who better to do it than Oz.

Atrocitus: Dave Bautista-The surprise blockbuster hit, Guardians of the Galaxy, proved to mass audiences that “the Animal” Dave Bautista was just as adept in front of a movie camera as he was in a wrestling ring. As Drax, he turned an obscure Marvel hero into a memorable film character by bringing both rage and humanity to the Destroyer. There is no reason he would not be able to bring that same stoicism and attitude to the leader of the violent Red Lantern.

Directed by: Chris Evans

Starring: Chris Evans and Alice Eve

Plot: When a woman misses the last train out of New York, a good Samaritan musician pledges to help her get home.

Review:

It is a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. Oh wait…wrong movie. But it is a real familiar tale. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl go on an adventure that only could happen late at night in New York. Boy and girl think they might be falling for each other. Yea, I know, the script isn’t terribly inspired or exciting, but it is not nearly as generic as it sounds.

It stars Alice Eve as Abby, an art curator in town to take a look at a painting, who is desperate to get home by morning. She misses her train and gets the sympathy of Chris Evans’ Pete, a trumpet player in town for an audition. Of course, Abby didn’t just miss her train. She also broke her phone and had her purse stolen from her. She might as well be on an island. Pete is no better. His phone is dead and his credit cards are either expired or maxed out. Despite this, Pete is determined to help her out.

There is an attempt to keep their motivations secret, but it is very clear that they are struggling with decisions that could have major effects on their lives, especially if they make the wrong moves. The interest they share in each other’s problems works more as a defensive procrastination of settling their own. Over the course of the night, they dissect the fear and concerns they have over job opportunities and love while getting in and out of crazy antics. In an other decade, this may have been a Woody Allen film, except this has a more melodramatic kind of neuroticism than the quirky kind. It is well-tread territory, and I am not sure they were able to uncover anything that hasn’t been made obvious in previous pieces of cinema.

Evans, in his directorial debut, does his best to make the story stand out. There is a grainy color palette implying a more sincere tone. The pacing is quick and punctuated by simple yet mostly effective humor. Solutions aren’t avoided when practical answers present themselves, which makes it easy to track the growth of our two protagonists. That also helps the movie avoid the rom-com trope that seeks to keep comedy and drama separate thus offering a more complete and satisfying experience.

This isn’t one of those directorial debuts that makes you stand up and wonder why Chris Evans hasn’t been behind the camera all along, but he shows some promise, if only he had a better script.

Rating: 7/10

Peter Pan is one of Disney’s classics; based on a much-loved novel this is a story that has been told time and again. It’s a wonderful story of three siblings who escape to Neverland with the boy who refused to grow up. Some of Disney’s most famous characters came from this film: including Peter Pan himself, his mischievous fairy sidekick Tinkerbell and of course the dastardly Captain Hook. This is a fun, whimsical tale and I hope you enjoy the meal I created to go with it.

For our first dish, I was inspired by Tinkerbell and decided to make something that is foreign to me but apparently very popular in the land down under: Fairy Bread. It’s basically just bread with butter and sprinkles. The name, colors, and sugary taste are all reminiscent of Peter’s feisty sidekick Tink. I didn’t particularly like this myself but I suppose if I was a child I would and if it had nostalgia factor for me than I can see why this might be so popular in Australia. It was quick and easy and added plenty of color to the table!

For our main course I took inspiration from Captain Hook and his pirate pals and made “Pirate” stew. I took used this recipe for ideas including adding brown sugar and rum for a Caribbean flavor. In the end I used whatever faux meat and veggies I had in the house, along with the other rich flavors, and eventually came out with this yummy sweet stew. It was a perfect dish for September since stew is warm and hearty yet the Caribbean flavors are still reminiscent of summer.

For dessert I had to make something named after the titular character himself: Peter Pan. These are Peter Pan cookies, a famous recipe that started with Peter Pan peanut butter. It doesn’t matter what brand you use, these peanut butter cookies are delicious and easy. I went along with the typical criss-cross pattern of the cookies and added a sprinkle of pixie dust for good measure.

This was a fun and sweet edition of the column and while I didn’t love the fairy bread, I will definitely be making the stew and peter pan cookies again.

Coming Soon: Disney Dinner and a Movie: The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad

Here’s the thing that drew me to watching Tomorrowland, the new movie based on a Disney theme park attraction directed by Brad Bird…the 50% it’s got on RottenTomatoes. Smack bang in the middle! It’s caught an equal number of fans and haters! Which side will I find myself? The trailer was…interesting? Honestly I couldn’t make much sense of it. There’s some future city world thing and madcap inventors and…well, let’s see for ourselves.

Halfway through the movie we…still don’t know what it’s about. Let’s recap, shall we? The movie begins with George Clooney and Britt Robinson talking to the camera about the future being in trouble or something and we flash back to Clooney as a young boy attending the World’s Fair in the 1960s where he shows off his awesome home made jetpack to grumpy Hugh Laurie. Unfortunately his remarkable work of amateur engineering gets rejected by grumpy Hugh Laurie because it doesn’t have a great control scheme. Some girl hanging out with Grumpy recognises his accomplishment and gives him a special lapel pin. He wears the pin while riding the ‘It’s a Small World After All’ ride and it takes him down a secret passage, which takes him to a magic elevator thing, which takes him to a futuristic city where he flies around with his jetpack.

Jump ahead to the modern day where Britt Robinson is breaking into Cape Carnaval to sabotage the dismantling of the site because of something to do with her dad. When she sets out to do this a second time she gets arrested. The weird girl from 1964 has slipped another magic pin in with her stuff and it shows he the future city. When it stops working after a while she tries to buy another one off eBay and winds up at a shop with some creepy people. They are robots and try to kill her in between a bunch of Star Wars props by robo-River Tam with a British accent appears and blows them up they go to find George Clooney who will teleport them to France to…to…what the living hell is this movie about? 

We’re just as confused as you are.

First things first: this movie has some major plotting issues. Problems that director and co-writer Brad Bird is generally better than. Perhaps writer Damon Lindelof is more to blame, as he’s penned other jumbled messes like Lost, Prometheus and Cowboys and Aliens. This movie feels like a series of dot points presented at a pitch meeting rather than a cohesive story. It’s about an hour before we get the three main characters on screen together and another 40 minutes after that they identify the villain and introduce the main conflict. That’s an unbelievably long time. As to what the titular ‘Tomorrowland’ really is you have to wait until the 1 hour 20 minute mark before that gets explained. Again, just a ridiculously long time to address a major plot point. It’s like The Matrix holding off explaining what the Matrix is until the final act.

Many reviewers have commented on this already, but they have also praised the visuals. The Tomorrowland city itself is fantastic, a truly wonderful landscape and the art and design team should be proud of that they have accomplished. It captures a retro vision of the future (that makes sense, right?), invoking a 50s and 60s era science fiction. During one of the longer stints through Tomorrowland the audience glimpses some amazing things, like the zero gravity swimming pools and jetpack designs. A real highlight.

It’s futraffic!

But in spite of this beautiful science-fiction fantasy visual the movie can feel downright grim. The movie starts out with Clooney talking about the world being rife with political instability, famine, war, climate change…cheerful stuff for a Disney flick. These issues come up again and again throughout the movie, with the central conflict to do with the world going to shit. Apparently in the super-science parallel universe of Tomorrowland where all the big thinkers make a better science world they have a machine that can show the future and it shows the world getting apocalypsy in the near future. Somehow these visions of the future have fed into the subconsciousness of the global population and this has caused the sense of apathy that is leading people down this path. This is pretty miserable stuff for a family film.

By the end of the day hope wins out and everyone strives for a better future, but the consistent bleakness that pervades the film doesn’t leave audiences with the sense of hope and wonder I feel like the movie was trying to inspire. At the end of it all they are on the search for ‘dreamers’, people who have great imagination and dream of a better future. In an era where armchair activism is proving to be doing as much harm as good, where sharing a Kony 2012 video or dumping ice water on oneself gives people enough of a sense of accomplishment that they don’t have to act further. In short we have people with great imagination and big dreams but fewer people than ever acting on them. Encouraging people to ‘dream’ of a better future is not the best message we want to instil in the up and coming generation.

Then again, a movie can just be a movie. It can look good, be fun and not force a message on the viewer. We have some real imagination in this movie, such as when Clooney’s gadget laden house comes under siege from robots and he unleashes endless traps and gizmos to foil them. Lasers, trapdoors and teleports make for a fun action sequence.

Those robots however…they are creepy suckers. I’m guessing they were shooting for comedic villainy but they are unsettling to say the least. They all have this rictus grin that makes them seem like they’re going to bite you in the neck. Or worse, they come off like Matthew Broderick in Inspector Gadget. One early scene has some cops finding a burned up severed head with real looking eyes and mouth yabbering at them before a second robot evaporates the cops. These guys are a touch to creepy for a family picture…especially when one of them gets their face caved in with baseball bat.

WHAT THE FUCK.

This movie isn’t a complete failure, the reviews have been mixed and some people can forgive the clunker of a story and bleak undertones and enjoy it for the visual feast it sometimes is. Perhaps this is the cynic in me speaking, but I fall on the negative side of the 50%. There’s a scene just after the hour mark when Clooney is setting up a teleporter and says to Robinson “why do you need everything explained? Can’t you just be amazed and move on?” I can’t help but feel that this is the attitude behind the film. The film makers want us to be dazzled by the effects and design and not question the massive problems staring them in the face. This dialogue is followed by Clooney explaining that the machine will make you “make you wish you were dead”. Hope and wonder smeared with grimness.

Final note, in a movie where most of the screen time and story focuses on two young girls, why does grizzly Clooney feature on the poster with a kid version of himself? What’s that about, Disney?

Buzz-worthy books of the week

Boy I can’t wait for Marvel’s Secret Wars to be over. Plus, I really want DC to get their crap together. Batman is the only book I’m buying anymore. Kind of a bummer

Fight Club 2 #5

This book, I just can’t get enough of it.

Hellboy in Hell #8

It is really awesome seeing Hellboy in Hell on the solicit list again. There have been such big breaks in this series, I hope it has a pretty regular run for a while.

Thief of Thieves #31

This should be fun. Conrad, the real Redmond, is being called to the witness stand in the trial of his old partner, who was caught pretending to be Redmond.

Wolf #3

I suggested this book when it first came out sight unseen because I am a sucker for supernatural detectives. I am happy to say that is truly a cool book